November 21, 2008

Got Any Grapes?

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, “no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.” The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes and if you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your little duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says “no”!

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?”

 

November 16, 2008

Police Emergency

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

August 16, 2007

The Prayer

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate,
he started eating right away.

"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."

"I don't have to," The boy replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating, at our house."

"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and her food always turns out good!"

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How to Make Money

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

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July 19, 2007

Cards...

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers.

He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy".

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang.

It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

"Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." ...

"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."

"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.

"Congratulations on your new location." was the reply.


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July 7, 2007

After the Accident

Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection.

One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other,

"Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves."

"Thanks," said the other one, and took a long pull from the container. "Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whiskey.

"Well, I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here."


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July 5, 2007

An Unusual Pet

A guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede,which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"


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July 3, 2007

King Solomon, Two Women and a Young Man

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.

"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in
half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the
other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment.

"The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE
mother-in-law."


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June 29, 2007

50th Wedding Aniversary

With a Pete soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect,spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired "Trips to where?"

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands,Pete. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

Pete smirked and said, "I'm going to go get her."


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The New Hemingway Hall

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.

"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."

The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"

"Yes, in deed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."


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