August 16, 2007

The Prayer

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate,
he started eating right away.

"Johnny wait until we say our prayer."

"I don't have to," The boy replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer, before eating, at our house."

"That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and her food always turns out good!"

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How to Make Money

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

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July 19, 2007

Cards...

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers.

He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy".

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang.

It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

"Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." ...

"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."

"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.

"Congratulations on your new location." was the reply.


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July 7, 2007

After the Accident

Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection.

One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other,

"Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves."

"Thanks," said the other one, and took a long pull from the container. "Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whiskey.

"Well, I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here."


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July 5, 2007

An Unusual Pet

A guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede,which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"

A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes!"


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July 3, 2007

King Solomon, Two Women and a Young Man

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.

"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in
half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the
other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment.

"The man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE
mother-in-law."


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June 29, 2007

50th Wedding Aniversary

With a Pete soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect,spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."

The minister inquired "Trips to where?"

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."

The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands,Pete. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"

Pete smirked and said, "I'm going to go get her."


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The New Hemingway Hall

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.

"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."

The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"

"Yes, in deed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."


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The Birthday Present

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hidin' Marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open Every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

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June 25, 2007

Strange

*** This one is dedicated to all of my attorney friends! ***

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to
inscribe on his tombstone,

"Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for
passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

Instead, he would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a
lawyer."

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be
certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

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June 22, 2007

How Much Is Two Plus Two?

A university committee was selecting a new dean.

They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a
lawyer.

Each was asked this question during their interview:

"How much is two plus two?"

The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."

The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus
or minus one."

Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently
for the committee members to gather close to him.

In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to
be?"

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June 21, 2007

I'll do anything...

A woman is sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, middle-aged man enters.

He is so striking that the woman can not take her eyes off him. The man
notices her overly attentive stares and walks directly toward her.

Before she can offer her apologies for rudely staring he leans over and
whispers, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do for
$20... But, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asks what the condition is.

The man replies, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three
words."

The woman considers his proposition for a moment and then removes a $20 bill
from her purse, which she presses
into the man's hand along with her address.

She then looks deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully says,
"Clean my house!"

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June 19, 2007

Three Fathers in a Hospital's Waiting Room

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their
babies to be born.

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations
you're the father of twins!"

He says, "Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins."

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations
you're the father of triplets"!

He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."

The third father opens the window and jumps out.

The third nurse comes out, and asks, "Where's the third father?"

One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window." ...

The nurse asks, "Why?"

He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"

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Two Priests & A Policeman

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle.

They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, "What do you think you
are doing? What if you have an accident?"

One of the priest says, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us." ...

The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not
allowed to ride on a motorcycle."

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June 16, 2007

I dare you not to smile!

Concerned About Security

A friend and I stayed at a Chicago hotel while attending a convention. Since
we weren't used to the big city, we were overly concerned about security.

The first night we placed a chair against the door and stacked our luggage
on it. To complete the barricade, we put the trash can on top. If an
intruder tried to break in, we'd be sure to hear him.

Around 1 a.m. there was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" my friend asked nervously.

"Honey," a woman on the other side yelled, "you left your key in the door."

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The Race

Two gas men were out checking meters in a residential neighborhood one day.
They parked the truck at the end of the street and worked their way up the
street.

At the last house, a woman watched from her kitchen window as they checked
her meter.

Finally finishing their work, the older man, a supervisor, challenged the
younger man, his trainee, to a race back to their truck, wanting to prove
that an older man could still beat a younger man.

They raced back to the truck, with the supervisor holding a lead, when they
noticed that the woman from the last house was racing up behind them. They
stopped until she caught up and asked what was wrong.

As she gasped for breath, she said,

"When I saw you two gas men running as hard as you could, I figured I'd
better run too!"

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June 15, 2007

The Scottish Sheep

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through
Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."

"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black."

"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one
sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"

June 12, 2007

Tomatoes

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's
garden.

"I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a
beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for
that one?"

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's
hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

June 11, 2007

Talented Engineer

The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the
guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he
meets his fate.

The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking
toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine,
release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from
his neck.

The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up
hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of
the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops
just inches from his neck.

So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise
the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, "WAIT!. I
think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!"

June 7, 2007

Conducting A Music Class

A band director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, and performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole band, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section:

"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

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June 6, 2007

The Couple Next Door

One evening wife drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said,

"Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."

First Day at School

The child comes home from his first day at school.

His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

The Evolution of Dance

This is incredibly funny! How many of these dances have you done?

June 5, 2007

Microsoft Air

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple
of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport
through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments
went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark.

After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers
are getting very nervous.

Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with
one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the
guy, "Hey where am I?"

To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane."

The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to
execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away.
Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.

"Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple
question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely
useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there
the airport is just five miles due East."

The Grasshopper

A grasshopper goes into a neighborhood bar.

The bartender looks at him and says, "I am delighted to
see you here. Do you know that we have a drink named
after you?"

The grasshopper pauses for a minute and replies,

"Why did you name a drink Daniel?"

June 4, 2007

Moth Man

A guy walks into a dentist's office and flops right down on the couch.

"Doc", he says, "Here's the problem. I think I'm a moth"

"Well", says the doctor, "That certainly is a problem, but why did you come
into a dentist's office?"

"The light was on."

June 1, 2007

Grandpa's Driving

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say 'idiot!' afterwards."

Get Off The Corner!

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an
experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to
disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a
corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said,

"Let's get off the corner."

No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!"

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in
his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned
to his partner and asked,

"Well, how did I do?"

"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this is a bus stop."

The Meat Market

A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around.

The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.

Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound.

With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.

The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound
of brains?"